Wow!
I just read the entries I posted last year, and wow! How immature and stupid was I!
Well soon after my last post, he suddenly left the country. One of his business deals turned out to be dodgy. He says he never knew. So he left England to avoid being arrested, and has been living in Pakistan since last year.
However, shortly after he left, I found out I was pregnant. How typical!! When I finally spoke to him I wasn't going to tell him, but he said that he thinks I want to speak to him about being pregnant. And so I told him. It was hard, emotional, and he suggested we run away together. I couldn't do that to my family, nor upset them by telling them I'm pregnant, so I had an abortion. It was the toughest thing I ever did (until then!), and I was a wreck for so long. I hated myself.
But it also brought us back together, as well as more promises of leaving her!
He told me he'll leave her by our 2 year anniversary. The day before our two year anniversary, I found out she's moving to Pakistan to join him. That was it, for me it was over. We stayed friends. It was easier for it to be over with him being in the other side of the world.
However, in November, I found out I have cancer. Biggest shock. In the summer, I started to have stomach cramps and blood coming out of my bum. I kept going to the doctor, but because of my age, they kept saying it's piles or a holiday bug or something. However, I was finally sent to a specialist, who did tests, and found out I have cancer. It's a bit funny looking back. The doctor asked me if I knew the difference between malignant and benign. I said yes, I knew one means cancer, one doesn't. But I forgot which is what. He told me the polyp was malignant. For about 10 seconds I sat there thinking what the hell does that mean. And then he said it's cancer. I cried so much. I couldn't stop crying. I cried all day and all night. I asked the doctors to tell my mum, I couldn't tell her. She was hysterical. The typical Arab reaction - screaming, tears, hiting herself. I had an operation to remove the cancer, then another one to have a stoma. Having the stoma was a shock. It took me months to get used to it, the disfigurament. It was temporary, but I couldn't handle it. I was depressed for so long. And then I was told I need chemo. I had 6 months of it. Luckily I didn't lose my hair, but it was still horrible. I had nausea, would throw up. My body would go numb and I wouldn't even be able to feed myself. My hands and feet went dark brown. My muscles would freeze. It was horrible. This is where having the stoma was a bonus. I didn't have the issue of diahorrea! I finished the chemo, and was told scan results were good! And that the stoma would be revered soon. Things were looking up! It was great!!! From late last year where I was so close to ending my life, to be given a new lease on life. I was over the moon. I cried for days, but this time out of joy. I'm still exhausted, it takes a good few months for your body to go back to normal after all that, but it's over. That's the main thing.
Where did Hugh come into it. Well we got back together soon after I found out about the cancer. He did the whole he now realises how much I mean to him. And again, the promises of leaving her. One day, we were arguing, I was demanding to know when he's going to dump her, and he confessed something to me. He can't leave her, because should my health take a turn for the worse, he's screwed. i.e. should I go and die, he's screwed by becoming a widow. Who on earth says such a thing! He soon took it back, saying he never meant it, it came out wrong. But it's something I still haven't been able to forget. This summer, he said this is it, he's doing it. And he didn't, said he's giving her a final chance. He then claimed she blew that final chance, and it is definitly over.
However, past few weeks, I've been telling him I don't believe him, and been nagging him over it. Yesterday he said my nagging has made him decide he wants to stay with her. Also because it's convenient.
And that's it. I'm not going back.
If I can deal with an abortion and a battle with cancer and still be standing here today, then I can cope with a break up with him. No being friends this time. No stay in touch. Out of my life for good. It hurts. It hurts like hell - I've been crying, and comfort eating. But I am not going to go back there.
But I need the strength to cut him out for good. I've told him I want no contact, but he knows how I feel, so carries on, and I usually end up talking, and then back together. This cannot happen this time. I just don't know how to ensure it. I can't change my mobile number. And I know his numbers off by heart. So no idea!
So yeah, what a year! It's been the year from hell. I'm just hoping things will start looking up for me!
