Dear Diary
Well what a week it has been. I don't know where to start.
Right after I posted last week, I got a text from the wife - why did I text him? luckily the text she saw was one i had not meant to have sent him, so it was ok, but now i was sure his phone was working perfectly but he had not replied to my messages when i was upset, so i felt worse. after a few text exchanges with her asking if he has been in touch with me lately, i asked her what hes said about me. he called me a liar and he hates me.
to stop the story for a sec. she was always convinced that we had sex but neither of us admitted it. however, the receptionist told hugh that i lied about losing my virginity to him, he knew it was a bunch of crap, i bled when we had sex for the first time, but the wife started to use that against me, kept on calling me names and so on and one day i couldnt take it anymore and i told her we did have sex and he was my first. however, she kept going on about that and crying about it so a few weeks ago, i told her i lied, we never had sex, that i wanted to and he didn't.
so when i asked her what hugh had said about me, she said he called me a liar, made up all sorts, manipulitive and that he really hates me. now either she made that up or he may have said it. but i turned around and said to her excuse me, dont want to sound rude, but is it not hypocritical for u two to call me a liar when u lied ur self. hugh believes she lied to him. she said to him she was a virgin but he believes she wasnt. she went crazy when i said that. but i've learnt to give as good as i get. so on monday things went a bit mad.
i still hadn't heard from hugh after i text him about being upset.
the next day i called hugh around midday, and had a go at him, said how he just ignored me, how he didnt once check and see if i'm ok after the argument with the wife, after i text him on sunday when i was upset. he claimed he didnt receive any messages. i didn't believe him. he then said he'll dump her, now. i was on the phone to him when he was telling her, but then i had a class so had to hang up. i came out of my class, called him straight away, and she was there, so after having her shout at me for half an hour, i spoke to him after she left, and he gave her yet another final chance!! i got really upset, cried, told him im not giving him any more chances, but whilst i was talking to him he drove to me, and all of a sudden he was parked up in front of me.
we talked, and i told him its over, and i got upset, said how i really needed him now but hes not there. i wouldnt tell him why i was upset, because it was all in those text messages he claimed not to receive. i refused to tell him, and then he stopped the car and got a bit rough with me. he held me really tight and forced me to look at him and it hurt, but i refused to tell him.
next day (wednesday) we talked, and he said he thought im pregnant, but that wasnt it. he then told me how he never would have imagined loving me as much as he does, and it has never been his intention to hurt me, and we made up.
but then i did something naughty!! for the first time!! i have this friend from uni, patrick. he has a girlfriend, but he really fancies me, a lot, has sexual dreams about me. and i've been quite close to him. on thursday i was at his flat and we kissed, and i gave him a handjob - twice!!!
but what makes it worse is i dont feel guilty. i'm not proud of it, but i dont feel bad. i feel bad that i feel bad.
on friday i was speaking to hugh on the phone and then she called me after he had to go. my number was on the redial button. i denied talking to him, the impression that she has is that i have now got a new boyfriend, but hugh still tries to get in touch with me. we then argued on the phone for half an hour, with hugh in the back, she was telling me how he was touching her up whilst i was talking to her. he was denying it in the back and she was saying he was, and i started screaming on the phone, but as i had lost my voice, it wasnt that loud!! i called hugh all sorts of names and told him i hate him.
on saturdays we take a class together, he didnt show up, i text him to see where he is, and he said hes hurt i called him a bastard! i said to him i've been hurting over much more. we met up and made up. but later on in the day, the wife called me again!!! she was going through his emails, and could see old emails, and was asking about them, and then she was telling me stuff, and i got upset again. called up hugh having a go at him.
today he text me, told me he told her and made it clear that their marriage is over and is waiting for the right time to tell their families and that he will be spending valentines with me. i also said to him that i had a chance to think things over today and i realised i've become a not very person in this relationship and i'm sorry, and thats it.
see what i mean, what a week!!
in my opinion the biggest thing was me cheating!! i have never done that, ever. i have flirted with guys but never kissed them, let alone give them a handjob. i think its got to do with hugh's situation. i think because he is not committed to me, i felt that i dont have to be committed to him, which is wrong i know.
apart from my love life everything is ok i guess. uni work is building up. i have to give a presentation tomorrow, but am only just getting my voice back. and work is going ok.
thinking of going away for a weekend soon, i need a break. will be good to get away from things for a while. not sure yet though.
anyhooz, got to go back to reading about the role of women in victorian society!!
xxx
