Dear diary

Things have been wierd but quiet this past week.

The wife was on my back a bit at the beginning of the week, checking whether he has been in touch with me and so on. i also saw her on friday. i was walking past the chip shop and she was in there. this was the first time i'd seen her since she found out the second time round, since september. she works and lives in the east end, and as shes an estate agent, she drives around alot, and i study in the east end, so it was bound to happen sooner or later. she was about to leave, as she was paying. for some reason i waited, to say hi. it was raining lightly. i told her i was passing and saw her inside, thought i'll say hi. we were civil. she told me how she was in the area for a viewing, and is now buying lunch for her and hugh. and that was it. i felt all scared and weak for some reason. and then i got angry, he always tells me how they hardly spend any time together, but there she was buying lunch for the two of them. i had a go at him, and he asked me if i would prefer if he tells me everytime they meet up or go out. i said i don't know, i just dont want him to lie.

Things with hugh have been mixed. I only saw him twice last week, and then today. i met him for a coffee on tuesday, and afterwards we went to his office and we ended up having sex. his new office is both a unit and an apartment, so he wanted to christen his new bed. problem was that he came after a minute. he said he had missed me a lot and was really excited which is why he came so quick, but it was still really funny, as well as a little frustrating. i remember the first time we had sex it lasted about a couple of minutes, and as it was my first time, one of the things i thought was is that how long sex is. lol. obviously now i know its not. and then i spent half the day with him on saturday. we took up a language class together, which we do for a couple of hours on saturdays.

i had lunch with him today, and it felt like how it used to be, just being able to relax in each others company. he was telling me how his family have had enough of the wife, and can't stand her anymore, but shes starting anger management classes, so just waiting to see how it pans out. we both know that when their marriage is over, she will bring me up in front of his family, so it'll make it even harder for them to accept me. but i'm not a crazy psycho loud mouth like her, so thats a good sign.

we also starting talking about what married life will be like for us, and i started telling him how i'd want rules, like never go to bed when we're not talking to each other, and so on, and he came up with the idea to make a list. a list of rules, what we'd expect from a husband/wife, our fears, negativities in ourselves and each other and whether we'd expect it to change, and things we will do in our lives. it should be interesting. i've been trying to think of negativities all evening, but can only think of things like he lets his nasal hair grow too long before trimming, but i guess an important one would be that he always treats me as second best, altho obviously if shes gone then he wouldn't.

recently we've hardly spoken, we used to talk and text everyday but now we hardly speak. but its not because we dont want to, but we cant really text anymore. i do speak to him on msn when hes at work, but we're both usually busy working we don't really talk. it kinda feels as though the relationship is coming to an end. but when i told him how i feel, he said he feels the same, how we're both more unhappy than happy. but that gave me hope. i felt guilty that i felt that but now i know he feels the same its made me think we can work on it. today was the happiest we've been together in a long time. it felt like all the problems we have don't exist, and it was good.

tomorrow is valentines day, and hes spending it with me, which means a lot, altho knowing her, she'll be calling him constantly to see what hes up to, or it is possible he'll cancel on me at the last minute, so lets just see. today he wouldn't answer her calls, and then surprisingly, she stopped after about 4 calls. however soon after, hugh's dad called him, said the wife needs to speak to him and can't get hold of him - what did she need to speak to him about, what time on friday is the engineer coming for the washing machine? she is very immature to get his dad to get hold of him. i mentioned to hugh that i didn't realise he's 15 years old.

so basically it seems as though they will split up soon. his family cannot stand her anymore, and neither can he. problem is that chances are she will bring me up in front of the family. his dad already knows of me. but if they split up, she will blame it all on me, and his family will think i'm a little slag or something. so its going to take time and careful planning. it cannot look like i'm the cause of the break up, or they will never be happy with me. altho i'm not the cause of the break up, it would have happened without me, they're just two completely different people. but she will still blame me. so its going to take a lot of time for him to leave her for good and to introduce me to his family!!!

but im willing to wait, as long as it happens.

i hadn't really spoken to patrick after our little encounter until last night. i had seen him, been round to his house, but it was always in a group of friends. he told me how hes constantly been thinking about me since then, and how much he really wants me. but i dont really like him anymore. perhaps its because it seems like things between me and hugh are getting better, but i'm not interested in him. altho theres no way i can tell him that, so i'll see what happens, i doubt he'd be wanting me for very long. altho the first time he asked me out was a year ago!!!

my nan read my tea leaves today. i don't really listen to it. i do it for fun but sometimes things turn out to be true. she said to me that there are 2 things that i really want, and one of them will happen but in 5 something, so could be 5 days, weeks, months, years. i looked at my calender to look at the dates, and i realised it was the receptionist's bday. i completely forgot. i'm always so good at remembering birthdays. and she invited me round to celebrate, though i don't think she's bothered, she would have text me by now to see where i got to. we hardly talk now, and i prefer it that way. she stabbed me in my back too many times.

omg uni work is piling up so much. its my own fault for being so lazy, but i really need to get my act together. its my second year, so it does matter how well or bad i do. i'm actually starting to panic, and i'm not one who often worries.

i'm working on that list now, really don't know what to write. i'll tell u what it is when i've finished it.

xxx