Dear diary
I have decided to start a blog.
I need somewhere to write, and i've got much to write about, to get off my chest.
well not that much, just the one thing and everything around it guess.
i'm 19, and i've been seeing a married man for the past year and a half.
now i'm not fat, smelly, ugly, i would say i'm very attractive - i get guys staring, chatting me up, honking at me, asking me out on an everyday basis, so it's not like he is the best i can get, i can get so much better. in fact he is 14 years older than me and those who have met him tell me i can get much better. let's just say he is not exactly george clooney. i'll call him hugh, first name i could think of!!
why did i start seeing him? i don't know to be honest, we worked together, i was his assistant, thats where we met. and i liked his personality, i think i did like him cos we hit it off so well, but i denied it, because he's married. however, a couple of weeks after we met there was an office outing. he brought his wife along, and i could tell she didn't like me, she kept on giving dirty looks to all the girls from the office, but me mostly, as i really was the prettiest in that place! (vain i know but its true, they were all fat or/and ugly). . anyways he asked me if i'm seeing anyone, but i still thought to myself that hes just finding out about me, rather than anything else, but then later on in the week we went out to lunch and i was telling him how another colleague at the office asked me out, and thats when he told me he fancies me. i didn't say anything, i just said ok, because i kinda panicked, hes married i thought, but at the end of the day i told him i fancied him too, but told him we cant do anything.
I'd known him for only 3 weeks at that point.
however, in the next few days we went to lunch together and text each other, he was briefly telling me about his marriage, that they dont get on. he then asked me out properly. again i didnt know what to say, and i spoke to the receptionist, my best friend there, told her all i want is one kiss and i'll leave it, so she encouraged me. now i regret, i was 18, she was 16, we were both so young.
we went out had a lovely time and kissed for so long. it was a lovely evening. but then i got home and my family found out i went out with him somehow. i worked at a law firm where my dad was a client. i promised to stop seeing him, next day i went in with the intention to stop it, i couldn't. i thought i'll see him for a few days and then i'll stop.
the following week his wife found out. hell broke lose, basically i told her i'll quit my job and i'll cut off all contact. i did my best, but a week after i quit i was offered a pay rise to return, and my family were pressuring me to return. also hugh called me, told me how sorry he was for everything that happened, didnt mean for me to get so hurt, wanted to meet before he went abroad for business for a week. i did, and when i saw him i had butterflies in my stomach and so on, and things started back on again.
at that time i really didn't know what i was doing, what i expected, but i really liked him.
in the past year and a half i have received a lot of abuse from his wife. she assumed we stopped seeing each other but everytime she saw my number on his bill or something from me in his personal email she would hassle me like crazy, and i mean crazy. however after we were seeing each other for a year, she found out again. at the very point me, hugh and the receptionist all left the office within 10 days of each other, but the receptionist went to work for the wife. the wife went through her phone, saw all my text messages, and then the receptionist stabbed me in my back and teamed up with her against me. hugh dumped me told me he needs to give it one final chance with her before he leaves me, but soon after we started seeing each other. the receptionist told many lies about me to hugh, to get him to hate me and it ended up being such a mess.
i ended up telling him he's got till the end of the year to dump her or i'm dumping him, the end of the year came and went and it made no difference.
and now i dont know what to do.
i know its not just about sex. i was a virgin when i met him, and i lost my virginity to him after seeing him for 9 months. and the other day he said to me we wont have a sexual relationship anymore if it proves to me our relationship is not about sex.
he keeps on telling me he will dump her, he needs time, i understand what he means, hes a paki, he cant just chuck her out, but it really seems to me hes not doing much to get rid of her. he says he does speak to his parents and her parents about them not getting on, her hitting him, but still no change, and i dont know how long i need to wait.
the reason i started to write this is because i wanted to have a moan. i was upset and needed him tonight and he wasnt there for me, and thats how its always been. whenever i get abuse from his wife he makes sure shes ok and happy, and then he checks up on me, and i think to myself i deserve to be first, not second.
i'm young, attractive and rich, i do deserve better.
i do believe that he will leave her, he told me he decided he wants me, but he keeps on letting me down. a couple of months ago she hit him again, but this time his sister notcied the marks and the whole family found out. it was the perfect chance for him to dump her, but he didn't, said she has a final chance (again!) and this time its in front of the whole family.
one of the reasons i dont want to dump him is because i lost my virginity to him. i dont believe in sex before marriage, but when i lost it was us getting carried away in a filthy corner. he also always promised me that when we have sex he would commit to me fully.
its just all a mess, i've had enough of being the mistress. it makes me feel cheap about myself, i come from an important family, but here i am, a mistress. i feel cheap. recently, whenever we would have sex, i would cry after.
i dont know how long i can carry this on, to be honest i think i may dump him very soon. tonight i needed him and he wasnt there. i text him and not a reply, and he always does that, and i've had enough. it makes me upset and angry.
i just dont know what to do!
xxx
