Dear Diary

Wow!

I just read the entries I posted last year, and wow! How immature and stupid was I!

Well soon after my last post, he suddenly left the country. One of his business deals turned out to be dodgy. He says he never knew. So he left England to avoid being arrested, and has been living in Pakistan since last year.

However, shortly after he left, I found out I was pregnant. How typical!! When I finally spoke to him I wasn't going to tell him, but he said that he thinks I want to speak to him about being pregnant. And so I told him. It was hard, emotional, and he suggested we run away together. I couldn't do that to my family, nor upset them by telling them I'm pregnant, so I had an abortion. It was the toughest thing I ever did (until then!), and I was a wreck for so long. I hated myself.

But it also brought us back together, as well as more promises of leaving her!

He told me he'll leave her by our 2 year anniversary. The day before our two year anniversary, I found out she's moving to Pakistan to join him. That was it, for me it was over. We stayed friends. It was easier for it to be over with him being in the other side of the world.

However, in November, I found out I have cancer. Biggest shock. In the summer, I started to have stomach cramps and blood coming out of my bum. I kept going to the doctor, but because of my age, they kept saying it's piles or a holiday bug or something. However, I was finally sent to a specialist, who did tests, and found out I have cancer. It's a bit funny looking back. The doctor asked me if I knew the difference between malignant and benign. I said yes, I knew one means cancer, one doesn't. But I forgot which is what. He told me the polyp was malignant. For about 10 seconds I sat there thinking what the hell does that mean. And then he said it's cancer. I cried so much. I couldn't stop crying. I cried all day and all night. I asked the doctors to tell my mum, I couldn't tell her. She was hysterical. The typical Arab reaction - screaming, tears, hiting herself. I had an operation to remove the cancer, then another one to have a stoma. Having the stoma was a shock. It took me months to get used to it, the disfigurament. It was temporary, but I couldn't handle it. I was depressed for so long. And then I was told I need chemo. I had 6 months of it. Luckily I didn't lose my hair, but it was still horrible. I had nausea, would throw up. My body would go numb and I wouldn't even be able to feed myself. My hands and feet went dark brown. My muscles would freeze. It was horrible. This is where having the stoma was a bonus. I didn't have the issue of diahorrea! I finished the chemo, and was told scan results were good! And that the stoma would be revered soon. Things were looking up! It was great!!! From late last year where I was so close to ending my life, to be given a new lease on life. I was over the moon. I cried for days, but this time out of joy. I'm still exhausted, it takes a good few months for your body to go back to normal after all that, but it's over. That's the main thing.

Where did Hugh come into it. Well we got back together soon after I found out about the cancer. He did the whole he now realises how much I mean to him. And again, the promises of leaving her. One day, we were arguing, I was demanding to know when he's going to dump her, and he confessed something to me. He can't leave her, because should my health take a turn for the worse, he's screwed. i.e. should I go and die, he's screwed by becoming a widow. Who on earth says such a thing! He soon took it back, saying he never meant it, it came out wrong. But it's something I still haven't been able to forget. This summer, he said this is it, he's doing it. And he didn't, said he's giving her a final chance. He then claimed she blew that final chance, and it is definitly over.

However, past few weeks, I've been telling him I don't believe him, and been nagging him over it. Yesterday he said my nagging has made him decide he wants to stay with her. Also because it's convenient.

And that's it. I'm not going back.

If I can deal with an abortion and a battle with cancer and still be standing here today, then I can cope with a break up with him. No being friends this time. No stay in touch. Out of my life for good. It hurts. It hurts like hell - I've been crying, and comfort eating. But I am not going to go back there.

But I need the strength to cut him out for good. I've told him I want no contact, but he knows how I feel, so carries on, and I usually end up talking, and then back together. This cannot happen this time. I just don't know how to ensure it. I can't change my mobile number. And I know his numbers off by heart. So no idea!

So yeah, what a year! It's been the year from hell. I'm just hoping things will start looking up for me!

Well it's over! Me and hugh have split up!!

It all started last week. We had a great week at first. How it used to be. He spent Valentine's Day with me. Sent a dozen roses to my office. It was going well.

But one day I was at his office and he had new bed sheets on the bed in the apartment at the back of the office. The bed was full of his body hair. He's quite hairy. He promised me that he would never have sex with the wife in there, that it's our place, so when I saw his hair all over the bed I jumped to conclusions. I know that when we have sex and he is fully naked his body hair goes all over the place and it was all over the bed. So soon as he came back into the room I said you had sex with her here didn't you. He kept on denying it, said she often wanted to but he refused, asked why I think that, I just said I have my reasons. He carried on denying it, and said he slept here the other day like this, and lay down diagonally on the bed, with his legs coming of the bed and head in the middle of it. I started to think I was being silly and paranoid but then that made me doubt him even more. Who sleeps like that! We carried on talking about it, and I said so what you sleep naked here. He goes yes I do and knew I accused him because of the hairs. Anyways whilst I kept on accusing him and he kept on denying it he slowly moved me and lay me on the bed, and we had sex but yet again, he came quickly, which annoyed me quite a bit this time. Anyways I left the office and called him later when he was just about to have a nap on the bed. He text me after to say he just woke up, he had the heating on and he slept naked. I text him several times telling him that if he swears on his mum's life that he did not have sex on the bed with her I'll shut up about it, but he didn't. I know it sounds like a small thing but when I accuse him of something and he hasn't done it, he tends to swear on his mum's life. But this time he didn't. Then I said to him that night and the next day that because of him not swearing on his mum's life, I just don't believe him. Anyways it dragged on, and I just said to him look, I know you're lying to me but it's giving me a headache now so let's forget about it, but told him I can never do it at his office again so he has to find somewhere else that's our place.

A couple of days later, guess who was texting me again - the wife!! There was a pic on his phone dated 23rd Jan. She kept on going on about it, saying we met that day or I sent it. I denied both, said he probs had it somewhere and sent it to his phone, and if he's carrying pics of me instead of her she needs to sort it out with him. Next day she called me, told me how things are so much better between them, they are much happier, they have a great sex life now, etc etc. I called Hugh and had a go at him, got really upset. But I calmed down later on and text him to say sorry for being so weak.

The next day she called me again, he text me the night before to tell me she's got one of his phones and she saw the text, she asked me why he would text me that, then carried on telling me how happy they are. I have also learnt to play her at her own game. I gave her advise and one of the things I suggested was to have sex at the office to spice it up, so I can see what she says. She became obsessed at that, kept on asking why I said that, and asked what makes me think they haven't already, which made me think that perhaps he was being honest. She hung up. I left my phone on my desk and went away for 2 mins, came back to see 4 missed calls and it started ringing again - she pressed redial on his office phone, my number came up and so she saw he called me. I said I have no idea he called me, and that went on. She carried on telling me about their plans together, how their sex life is so great, they do it every night, and so on. Hugh was in court, he's doing jury service, so I couldn't speak to him yet. I called him when I finished work and shouted at him, told him he's a bastard and a liar, that I've had enough of his lies, asked what he wants with me, and started saying I don't need him in my life, and then he goes fine, don't have me in your life, I've got your numbers, I'll give you a call when she's gone. And that was it. I was so angry. I sent him a text saying I always knew he was a coward when it came to her, but never thought he'd be one with me. I was devastated. After everything, he dumps me like that, over the phone. I was so upset. The next day I sent him a quick email to ask if he's going to class on Saturday, and he said probably not. I asked him to let me know so I can give him money that I owe him.

I met him on Saturday after the class. I had mixed feelings when I saw him. We had a coffee in Selfridges, and I gave him £260.00. There was £100.00 that I borrowed from him last summer when I couldn't access my money, and another £160 that he gave me extra when he was paying for a course. He refused to accept it, and then said he'll only accept it if he buys me something with it, to make up for all the gifts he never got me - anniversary, xmas, etc. I told him I don't want anything from him at all, he kept on trying to give it back and I wouldn't take it. We talked, well he talked I listened and had tears (in the middle of Selfridges). He kept on saying to me it's best if I am out of his life for now, so he can detach himself from her, because, as he says, everytime he's moving forward something that concerns me, like a text, email, photo comes up and he's put back a step. I didn't believe him and he knows that. We left and he insisted on driving me home, and obviously she was calling him like crazy. He carried on talking and I didn't have much to say. Then I started to accuse him of having fucked me over, and everything he said to me was a lie, and that he had his way with me, and he denied it all, and I just screamed at him to stop lying to me. I started to talk, told him I can never forgive him for how much he's hurt me, but he kept on insisting that this is not the end, just a break for him to sort himself out without me getting grief. Anyways, he dropped me off and I just walked off in tears.

I got home, and she started texting me. Acting all friendly and that she's happy and hopes I am and how is my boyfriend? I instantly became suspicious. Asked her what she wants, she said she wants to be friends. I knew something was up. After a few texts she said to me tell me why you were together today. It turns out that when she was calling him, he accidently answered without realising and she heard the whole conversation. Although by what she was saying she only heard me when I shouted at him to stop lying and only heard bits of what he said. I told her we bumped into each other in Selfridges and he offered to take me home because I wasn't feeling well. She still text me all night till 1.30am and I really wasn't in the mood but still put up with it. Anyways, next day (today) I text him to ask if he has anything to say. I know we're not together anymore but it would have been decent if he checked if I'm ok after her bothering me for hours. We talked about what happened over msn. I also asked him about the money I gave him, said I may have given him too much as I'm really not sure whether I paid back that £100.00 or not. He said to me he won't give it back, but he'll buy me a Ted Baker dress that I want instead, that I saw the other day. He said he was planning to do it secretly and get it sent to my office. I told him not to, that I really don't want anything from him.

And that's that. It's over. I've been a mess for days. Listening to love songs, crying, as I have done whilst writing this. He has really hurt me, so much. I guess I'm going through the break up now. And it's going badly.

I also haven't done much studying. I have an essay due tomorrow, and I have only managed 33 words all day. Not only has he hurt me, but uni work is suffering to.

I also have an office drinks reception on Thursday which I have been watching my figure for. I wanted to look good in the dress I am going to wear, but instead I'll look fat, because of him!

He's pretty much fucked me over, and I never realised. My mum always warned me about guys like him - ones who say a bunch of bullshit to have their way with u, fuck u, and then dump u. But I thought he was different, I really thought he loved me, what a fool I've been.

Dear diary

Things have been wierd but quiet this past week.

The wife was on my back a bit at the beginning of the week, checking whether he has been in touch with me and so on. i also saw her on friday. i was walking past the chip shop and she was in there. this was the first time i'd seen her since she found out the second time round, since september. she works and lives in the east end, and as shes an estate agent, she drives around alot, and i study in the east end, so it was bound to happen sooner or later. she was about to leave, as she was paying. for some reason i waited, to say hi. it was raining lightly. i told her i was passing and saw her inside, thought i'll say hi. we were civil. she told me how she was in the area for a viewing, and is now buying lunch for her and hugh. and that was it. i felt all scared and weak for some reason. and then i got angry, he always tells me how they hardly spend any time together, but there she was buying lunch for the two of them. i had a go at him, and he asked me if i would prefer if he tells me everytime they meet up or go out. i said i don't know, i just dont want him to lie.

Things with hugh have been mixed. I only saw him twice last week, and then today. i met him for a coffee on tuesday, and afterwards we went to his office and we ended up having sex. his new office is both a unit and an apartment, so he wanted to christen his new bed. problem was that he came after a minute. he said he had missed me a lot and was really excited which is why he came so quick, but it was still really funny, as well as a little frustrating. i remember the first time we had sex it lasted about a couple of minutes, and as it was my first time, one of the things i thought was is that how long sex is. lol. obviously now i know its not. and then i spent half the day with him on saturday. we took up a language class together, which we do for a couple of hours on saturdays.

i had lunch with him today, and it felt like how it used to be, just being able to relax in each others company. he was telling me how his family have had enough of the wife, and can't stand her anymore, but shes starting anger management classes, so just waiting to see how it pans out. we both know that when their marriage is over, she will bring me up in front of his family, so it'll make it even harder for them to accept me. but i'm not a crazy psycho loud mouth like her, so thats a good sign.

we also starting talking about what married life will be like for us, and i started telling him how i'd want rules, like never go to bed when we're not talking to each other, and so on, and he came up with the idea to make a list. a list of rules, what we'd expect from a husband/wife, our fears, negativities in ourselves and each other and whether we'd expect it to change, and things we will do in our lives. it should be interesting. i've been trying to think of negativities all evening, but can only think of things like he lets his nasal hair grow too long before trimming, but i guess an important one would be that he always treats me as second best, altho obviously if shes gone then he wouldn't.

recently we've hardly spoken, we used to talk and text everyday but now we hardly speak. but its not because we dont want to, but we cant really text anymore. i do speak to him on msn when hes at work, but we're both usually busy working we don't really talk. it kinda feels as though the relationship is coming to an end. but when i told him how i feel, he said he feels the same, how we're both more unhappy than happy. but that gave me hope. i felt guilty that i felt that but now i know he feels the same its made me think we can work on it. today was the happiest we've been together in a long time. it felt like all the problems we have don't exist, and it was good.

tomorrow is valentines day, and hes spending it with me, which means a lot, altho knowing her, she'll be calling him constantly to see what hes up to, or it is possible he'll cancel on me at the last minute, so lets just see. today he wouldn't answer her calls, and then surprisingly, she stopped after about 4 calls. however soon after, hugh's dad called him, said the wife needs to speak to him and can't get hold of him - what did she need to speak to him about, what time on friday is the engineer coming for the washing machine? she is very immature to get his dad to get hold of him. i mentioned to hugh that i didn't realise he's 15 years old.

so basically it seems as though they will split up soon. his family cannot stand her anymore, and neither can he. problem is that chances are she will bring me up in front of the family. his dad already knows of me. but if they split up, she will blame it all on me, and his family will think i'm a little slag or something. so its going to take time and careful planning. it cannot look like i'm the cause of the break up, or they will never be happy with me. altho i'm not the cause of the break up, it would have happened without me, they're just two completely different people. but she will still blame me. so its going to take a lot of time for him to leave her for good and to introduce me to his family!!!

but im willing to wait, as long as it happens.

i hadn't really spoken to patrick after our little encounter until last night. i had seen him, been round to his house, but it was always in a group of friends. he told me how hes constantly been thinking about me since then, and how much he really wants me. but i dont really like him anymore. perhaps its because it seems like things between me and hugh are getting better, but i'm not interested in him. altho theres no way i can tell him that, so i'll see what happens, i doubt he'd be wanting me for very long. altho the first time he asked me out was a year ago!!!

my nan read my tea leaves today. i don't really listen to it. i do it for fun but sometimes things turn out to be true. she said to me that there are 2 things that i really want, and one of them will happen but in 5 something, so could be 5 days, weeks, months, years. i looked at my calender to look at the dates, and i realised it was the receptionist's bday. i completely forgot. i'm always so good at remembering birthdays. and she invited me round to celebrate, though i don't think she's bothered, she would have text me by now to see where i got to. we hardly talk now, and i prefer it that way. she stabbed me in my back too many times.

omg uni work is piling up so much. its my own fault for being so lazy, but i really need to get my act together. its my second year, so it does matter how well or bad i do. i'm actually starting to panic, and i'm not one who often worries.

i'm working on that list now, really don't know what to write. i'll tell u what it is when i've finished it.

xxx

Dear Diary

Well what a week it has been. I don't know where to start.

Right after I posted last week, I got a text from the wife - why did I text him? luckily the text she saw was one i had not meant to have sent him, so it was ok, but now i was sure his phone was working perfectly but he had not replied to my messages when i was upset, so i felt worse. after a few text exchanges with her asking if he has been in touch with me lately, i asked her what hes said about me. he called me a liar and he hates me.

to stop the story for a sec. she was always convinced that we had sex but neither of us admitted it. however, the receptionist told hugh that i lied about losing my virginity to him, he knew it was a bunch of crap, i bled when we had sex for the first time, but the wife started to use that against me, kept on calling me names and so on and one day i couldnt take it anymore and i told her we did have sex and he was my first. however, she kept going on about that and crying about it so a few weeks ago, i told her i lied, we never had sex, that i wanted to and he didn't.

so when i asked her what hugh had said about me, she said he called me a liar, made up all sorts, manipulitive and that he really hates me. now either she made that up or he may have said it. but i turned around and said to her excuse me, dont want to sound rude, but is it not hypocritical for u two to call me a liar when u lied ur self. hugh believes she lied to him. she said to him she was a virgin but he believes she wasnt. she went crazy when i said that. but i've learnt to give as good as i get. so on monday things went a bit mad.

i still hadn't heard from hugh after i text him about being upset.

the next day i called hugh around midday, and had a go at him, said how he just ignored me, how he didnt once check and see if i'm ok after the argument with the wife, after i text him on sunday when i was upset. he claimed he didnt receive any messages. i didn't believe him. he then said he'll dump her, now. i was on the phone to him when he was telling her, but then i had a class so had to hang up. i came out of my class, called him straight away, and she was there, so after having her shout at me for half an hour, i spoke to him after she left, and he gave her yet another final chance!! i got really upset, cried, told him im not giving him any more chances, but whilst i was talking to him he drove to me, and all of a sudden he was parked up in front of me.

we talked, and i told him its over, and i got upset, said how i really needed him now but hes not there. i wouldnt tell him why i was upset, because it was all in those text messages he claimed not to receive. i refused to tell him, and then he stopped the car and got a bit rough with me. he held me really tight and forced me to look at him and it hurt, but i refused to tell him.

next day (wednesday) we talked, and he said he thought im pregnant, but that wasnt it. he then told me how he never would have imagined loving me as much as he does, and it has never been his intention to hurt me, and we made up.

but then i did something naughty!! for the first time!! i have this friend from uni, patrick. he has a girlfriend, but he really fancies me, a lot, has sexual dreams about me. and i've been quite close to him. on thursday i was at his flat and we kissed, and i gave him a handjob - twice!!!

but what makes it worse is i dont feel guilty. i'm not proud of it, but i dont feel bad. i feel bad that i feel bad.

on friday i was speaking to hugh on the phone and then she called me after he had to go. my number was on the redial button. i denied talking to him, the impression that she has is that i have now got a new boyfriend, but hugh still tries to get in touch with me. we then argued on the phone for half an hour, with hugh in the back, she was telling me how he was touching her up whilst i was talking to her. he was denying it in the back and she was saying he was, and i started screaming on the phone, but as i had lost my voice, it wasnt that loud!! i called hugh all sorts of names and told him i hate him.

on saturdays we take a class together, he didnt show up, i text him to see where he is, and he said hes hurt i called him a bastard! i said to him i've been hurting over much more. we met up and made up. but later on in the day, the wife called me again!!! she was going through his emails, and could see old emails, and was asking about them, and then she was telling me stuff, and i got upset again. called up hugh having a go at him.

today he text me, told me he told her and made it clear that their marriage is over and is waiting for the right time to tell their families and that he will be spending valentines with me. i also said to him that i had a chance to think things over today and i realised i've become a not very person in this relationship and i'm sorry, and thats it.

see what i mean, what a week!!

in my opinion the biggest thing was me cheating!! i have never done that, ever. i have flirted with guys but never kissed them, let alone give them a handjob. i think its got to do with hugh's situation. i think because he is not committed to me, i felt that i dont have to be committed to him, which is wrong i know.

apart from my love life everything is ok i guess. uni work is building up. i have to give a presentation tomorrow, but am only just getting my voice back. and work is going ok.

thinking of going away for a weekend soon, i need a break. will be good to get away from things for a while. not sure yet though.

anyhooz, got to go back to reading about the role of women in victorian society!!

xxx

Dear diary

I have decided to start a blog.

I need somewhere to write, and i've got much to write about, to get off my chest.

well not that much, just the one thing and everything around it guess.

i'm 19, and i've been seeing a married man for the past year and a half.

now i'm not fat, smelly, ugly, i would say i'm very attractive - i get guys staring, chatting me up, honking at me, asking me out on an everyday basis, so it's not like he is the best i can get, i can get so much better. in fact he is 14 years older than me and those who have met him tell me i can get much better. let's just say he is not exactly george clooney. i'll call him hugh, first name i could think of!!

why did i start seeing him? i don't know to be honest, we worked together, i was his assistant, thats where we met. and i liked his personality, i think i did like him cos we hit it off so well, but i denied it, because he's married. however, a couple of weeks after we met there was an office outing. he brought his wife along, and i could tell she didn't like me, she kept on giving dirty looks to all the girls from the office, but me mostly, as i really was the prettiest in that place! (vain i know but its true, they were all fat or/and ugly). . anyways he asked me if i'm seeing anyone, but i still thought to myself that hes just finding out about me, rather than anything else, but then later on in the week we went out to lunch and i was telling him how another colleague at the office asked me out, and thats when he told me he fancies me. i didn't say anything, i just said ok, because i kinda panicked, hes married i thought, but at the end of the day i told him i fancied him too, but told him we cant do anything.

I'd known him for only 3 weeks at that point.

however, in the next few days we went to lunch together and text each other, he was briefly telling me about his marriage, that they dont get on. he then asked me out properly. again i didnt know what to say, and i spoke to the receptionist, my best friend there, told her all i want is one kiss and i'll leave it, so she encouraged me. now i regret, i was 18, she was 16, we were both so young.

we went out had a lovely time and kissed for so long. it was a lovely evening. but then i got home and my family found out i went out with him somehow. i worked at a law firm where my dad was a client. i promised to stop seeing him, next day i went in with the intention to stop it, i couldn't. i thought i'll see him for a few days and then i'll stop.

the following week his wife found out. hell broke lose, basically i told her i'll quit my job and i'll cut off all contact. i did my best, but a week after i quit i was offered a pay rise to return, and my family were pressuring me to return. also hugh called me, told me how sorry he was for everything that happened, didnt mean for me to get so hurt, wanted to meet before he went abroad for business for a week. i did, and when i saw him i had butterflies in my stomach and so on, and things started back on again.

at that time i really didn't know what i was doing, what i expected, but i really liked him.

in the past year and a half i have received a lot of abuse from his wife. she assumed we stopped seeing each other but everytime she saw my number on his bill or something from me in his personal email she would hassle me like crazy, and i mean crazy. however after we were seeing each other for a year, she found out again. at the very point me, hugh and the receptionist all left the office within 10 days of each other, but the receptionist went to work for the wife. the wife went through her phone, saw all my text messages, and then the receptionist stabbed me in my back and teamed up with her against me. hugh dumped me told me he needs to give it one final chance with her before he leaves me, but soon after we started seeing each other. the receptionist told many lies about me to hugh, to get him to hate me and it ended up being such a mess.

i ended up telling him he's got till the end of the year to dump her or i'm dumping him, the end of the year came and went and it made no difference.

and now i dont know what to do.

i know its not just about sex. i was a virgin when i met him, and i lost my virginity to him after seeing him for 9 months. and the other day he said to me we wont have a sexual relationship anymore if it proves to me our relationship is not about sex.

he keeps on telling me he will dump her, he needs time, i understand what he means, hes a paki, he cant just chuck her out, but it really seems to me hes not doing much to get rid of her. he says he does speak to his parents and her parents about them not getting on, her hitting him, but still no change, and i dont know how long i need to wait.

the reason i started to write this is because i wanted to have a moan. i was upset and needed him tonight and he wasnt there for me, and thats how its always been. whenever i get abuse from his wife he makes sure shes ok and happy, and then he checks up on me, and i think to myself i deserve to be first, not second.

i'm young, attractive and rich, i do deserve better.

i do believe that he will leave her, he told me he decided he wants me, but he keeps on letting me down. a couple of months ago she hit him again, but this time his sister notcied the marks and the whole family found out. it was the perfect chance for him to dump her, but he didn't, said she has a final chance (again!) and this time its in front of the whole family.

one of the reasons i dont want to dump him is because i lost my virginity to him. i dont believe in sex before marriage, but when i lost it was us getting carried away in a filthy corner. he also always promised me that when we have sex he would commit to me fully.

its just all a mess, i've had enough of being the mistress. it makes me feel cheap about myself, i come from an important family, but here i am, a mistress. i feel cheap. recently, whenever we would have sex, i would cry after.

i dont know how long i can carry this on, to be honest i think i may dump him very soon. tonight i needed him and he wasnt there. i text him and not a reply, and he always does that, and i've had enough. it makes me upset and angry.

i just dont know what to do!

xxx